This picture represents five of my favorite things: A rainy day, a quiet house (all big kids gone and Hudson napping), a great book, pottery (hand made pottery and dishes are my weakness) and M&M's....

I am reading this amazing book and think it should be a must for anyone getting married. Throw out all the pre-marital counseling and read this. I tell you, it is rocking my world and from now on will be tucked into any wedding gift I give, including my own children.

Mark and I will have been married for 18 years June 1st. It is insane to think it has been that long and yet to think of life before marriage is also hard to remember. Mark is my best friend and yet at times.....my greatest enemy. I intend to expound on this as the days go but I heard something this week that was SO freeing for me. I turned on the radio and Focus on the Family was on and the speaker was Beth Moore....well, of course, anything she talks about is good but she was speaking at a FOF marriage conference . The point of her talk was "why do we always need great when we have good?" When I listen to a speaker like Beth and hear her talk about "her man" I think they must have it made. Same with some blogs I read as great comments are made about marriage/husbands and I am sure I am missing out. Beth shared some real life situations that were awesome to hear and I began to think...."o.k., maybe I do have it made too"....The whole message was good and I encourage you to listen to it (I linked it above) but her last comment hit me so hard. I have heard her say this before but never had it really impact me like it did this past week. She said "Ladies, submit to your husbands. It is like God saying 'duck, so I can hit them instead' ". I have never thought I have had a hard time submitting and at one time was voted the most submissive among the Posse (a group of six of us back in TX). Upon hearing this combined with an issue that Mark and I have been having a hard time seeing eye to eye on for most of our marriage God really began to reveal something to me. It has to do with parenting Jordan but that too will come later. The freeing part for me was....ultimately Mark will answer for our family and so I need to quit trying to control what the future may or may not hold and let him be the parent I desire him to be but constantly challenge him on. WoW!

The same day I went to the Christian book store as I was wanting something new to read. This book caught my eye. I know nothing about the author but the subtitle is what got me: "What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?" Mark and I have walked through the break up of his brother's marriage which was devasting for us. That with watching other marriages struggle and fall apart Mark has always said, NO WHERE does God talk about us being happy, why do we base so much on 'happy'? (I of course understand that marriages do end even when best intentions are made because of heartbreaking circumstances and that is not what I am referring to here).

Marriage is so difficult. We are finding the older our kids get and the more "issues" come into play the harder it is. Mark is amazing, he has his faults as do I but I think..no, I KNOW I have strived for happiness much more than holiness. A quote from one of the first pages of this book is: "To spiritually benefit from marriage we have to be honest. We have to look at our disappointments, own up to our ugly attitudes, and confront our selfishness."...and later..."being married forces you to face some character issues you have never had to face otherwise"....I have always thought, this issue is 'because' of him not 'in spite of him' but now am beginning to understand marriage has just brought it to the surface.

I have been really tired out. Tired of living in someone else's home, tired of single parenting the kids for what has been almost 5 months now, tired of not having the comforts of home, my church, my schedule and trying to figure out all of the above. I am so grateful that my mom is doing well, it was my prayer and God has been big in that! But, it has been hard. I expected it to be harder on the kids than me but it has been the other way around but that is also for another time.

In closing, I was watching Amazing Grace this morning with Kailee. One of the lines of the movie I love was said late in his life by the slave trader who wrote Amazing Grace: "Two things I know, that I am a great sinner and He is a great Savior!" My intent in this blog is to honest with where I fall short and to bring glory to Him who takes my shortcomings and builds my character.